It feels completely hollow and empty. I would have never thought that I have to heal from something like this. I think this heartbreak was really the hardest. It feels like I am always writing about failures and never a story ended well that its worth saying or telling. It feels like the craziest heartbreak I have had in such a long time. I lost a friend and someone I loved. How can I be so naive? How after all these years, I still haven’t learnt the lesson. My heart is being sealed year after another. And I can’t help it. I can’t do anything about it. I don’t want to do anything about it.
A lesson has been learned and this one has to be the last straw before I embark on this. Never trust anyone. I wouldn’t ever trust anyone. Nobody deserves my trust and kindness. I am done being nice. I am done being kind. I am done being understanding. I am done being forgiving. And most of all I am done giving what I don’t receive.
All emotions are running wild. Anger. Disappointment. Disgust. Love. Longing.
I love you and I really loved you. I cared for you. I worried about you. I loved all your insecurities and everything you disliked about you, I loved it, I learnt to love it. I even learnt to love shit you have that I hate about others. You were a friend and you became everything I ever wanted. It wasn’t a first love glance. It was getting to know you and getting to hate you. Getting angry at you. Getting hooked to your touch. Getting lost at your eyes. I loved looking at you when you were focusing on smth. And yet again. I am heartbroken. Cause I was just "m***** dzb" while you were considered as "my home".
I feel lost. I am so lost. I don't know what to think. I refuse to think that you just saw me as something in your way. As a hindrance in my own house.
I didnt mean to see that conversation but I believe that it had to be done. I had to see that conversation of you mad cause you werent able to " fuck " my friend. In my house. And that I was there in your way. I had to see how you talk about me. I had to see that I am all what I will be is something to be discarded.
I feel lost. I am so lost. I don't know what to think. I refuse to think that you just saw me as something in your way. As a hindrance in my own house.
How can someone tell you that they trust you and then think of you as something to be discarded?
I don't want to ever love again. I dont want friends anymore.
I don’t want to meet anyone, I don’t want to feel this lump again. Going from loneliness to heartbreak. There is no in between. I wouldn’t have let you touch me, kisss me or get near me if I didnt think for a second you were attracted to me. But you weren’t and aren’t and I was and still am just a fool. How in the hell I thought you were interested? Funny cause the long walks meant something at some point, you getting me home and you hugging me. No matter how I want to hate you, I just can’t. No, I have to cause you just confessed that you were attracted to my sister while me and you were fooling around. funny that.
How can someone be so heartless? How can someone be so disrespectful. I keep thinking if I deserved all the bad shit you do to me. And I endured it. Hiting me? Doubting me? Disrespecting me? Not respecting my boundaries? Hitting on my friends? When I never allowed anyone to treat me that way. I swore after Y that I won’t let anyone treat with me disrespect. But here you were, why are you so fucking dumb !!!!! I was always forgiving when I knew I shouldnt be doing so. I hated when my sister and my bestfriend were sooooo not into you, always telling me that I have to just give up on this friendship. Truth is, I still don’t want to. I love you as a friend. I love you as someone in my life. But you just keep hurting me. My heart is broken, it hurts and I can’t breathe. I got over you because I wanted to be a good friend. I felt that I am not honest when you tell me about your adventures while I wanted all your attention to me. I tried my best not to show it and I tried my best, even though I was hurting, to be the good friend you deserve. I even felt bad about it. I felt that I am selfish because I wanted you for me. It was sleepless nights and hours of overthinking. Of going through my emotions between anger and jealousy to acknowledge it so I can get over those bad emotions and focus on giving you good advices. That you called shitty. Funny how I used to look up google and read articles so I can help you better. I feel sooooooooo fucking embarrassed for myself. Funny how I used to think of those like complexe forumulas to be solved. And in the end, getting a profanity thrown my way " your advices are just shitty. Just shut up."
I at least was doing the best I can. It was efforts. Those advices helped other people. I may be shit at those. But you saying it loud was so a hit. And definitely not a miss.
I gotta heal from you. I gotta leave all this behind. I am dying of the idea of never talking to you again. But I have to do it for myself. Cause you just showed that I am nothing to you. Absolutely nothing.
